25th year Reflections

Life is fun with friends who truly care. And a healthy distance, makes you appreciate the big picture more.

When you're down and lonely, the only way to look is UP.

Life has a lot to offer, in fact, the possibilities are endless. You just have to be extra careful of your choices because not everything that feels good are deemed right.

Sleep is a precious thing, and in order for you to get one is for you to be at peace. Mornings are sacred.

Prayer is an important part of one's life.

Family, no matter how dysfunctional it is, is still family.

Silence is precious. Bask in it.

***

I celebrated my silver year with 2 Marlboro menthols, a cup of Duriaccino, and my hotel room key in tow some 10,000 kilometers away from home. I savored the flavor of the tobacco from my partly-wet box. I lighted a stick and sang a "Happy Birthday" to myself. After which, I blew the lighted part with a silver tear.

I wanted my 25th year to be perfect. In fact it is. On my 25th year I came to a lifelong realization of what I should do for the next 5, maybe 20, or maybe 50 years. It was a precious moment. There was a deafening silence, but when I lifted my face to see the road, I knew I was home. I realized that I was never alone. He never abandoned me. Even when I was down and distraught, He was with me all the time. All I had to do was call Him.

I made a phone call to someone very dear to me and He greeted me happy birthday. He was in a middle of the road, some 10,000 kms away from where I was. 

" I hope you enjoyed your birthday, Nak."

I let out another silver tear. 

" I miss you Dad. I really do. I'll see you soon."

" I miss you too Pets. Wag ka ng masyadong mag-isip, andito lang ako."

" Bye Dad, take care."

" You too."

Looking back more than a week later, I let out another silver tear.

There's one man in the whole wide world whom I really love so much, and he's in a better place now. I've known him for 24 years, 363 days and 3 hours. I'm gonna miss him forever.

I met him at the hospital, and the last time I saw him was in a hospital.

A week after my birthday, I know I'm never gonna see him again. 

I miss him so much, his faint smile would immediately drive me to tears. He was the only one I got, and he's gone.

In death we find life, we appreciate life. We appreciate each minute spent with that person because when that time comes when we have to say goodbye, we know we did our best.

I love both men the best way I can. The other one gone, the other one still with me. I will savor every Jr. Champ with a tear because I know I'd never look at those Jr. Champs the same way again. I will forever be thankful for all those morning rides to the office, and those after work pick-ups. 

I will forever be grateful for my middle and last name with or without the hyphenated one after it.

Cheers to you Daddy Groovy. I miss you Dad, I'll be home later.

Love from A to B

I wonder what you're doing right now. I'm sure you must be having that 'heart-to-heart' talk with your mother. I hope you are well. I always hope you are.

I miss you terribly. 

I'm working here at my station and am simply hoping that I'd get a message from you today. I know the weekend gave you time to do a lot of thinking, and I hope that you already came to terms with what you really want, what you really need, and what would really make you happy.

I just want to let you know that I love you so much.

I dunno what you meant when you sent me a message last night that goes like this... "Never do anything you can't stand for. Remember: Once it's been done, there's no turning back. Life has no rewind, learn to play it right."

Love is a gift that I freely and willingly give you. I give my heart to you without conditions. I could only hope, that somehow, I'm part of the future that you want for yourself. We can only tell how far we could shape our lives, and you know that I've always wanted for you to be happy whatever that means. You've wasted 10 precious years of your life, don't waste 10 more. Think of the things that would really make you happy, and make you content. Work hard to find your happiness.

I've always thought that my happiness would be finding the perfect person. That 'person' who will love me as I am. Now I realized that it's more of the journey I'm after. It's the 'getting there' part that gives life a lot of meaning. 

The past months were very fruitful, and memorable indeed. If I can have another lifetime to spare, I know in my heart, I'd still take the same route to find you. There are things that I cannot replay, things that I can't change. The past is something distant, but I know what I can work on is now and the future.

I always told you I don't care about your past. However terrible that might have been, I can only hope that you learned the lessons. What happened before we met are things that are good to know, but not for me to question. There was a reason why that had to happen to you. I love you for who you are now, for what you were before, and what you might be in the future. I just love. Even if sometimes it hurts. Even if sometimes I feel helpless. Because that's what loving is all about... loving unconditionally, even if sometimes I end up dying everyday, risking everything or leaving nothing for myself.

In silence, I find solace. In prayer, I find comfort. And there are enough reasons and signs that I get from Him everyday that tell me to continue.

I love you B, you know that. I love you so much, I can't even explain why... 

If one day I'm gone, you know where to find me... I'll be right there, just waiting for you.

Sunkissed Monday

Today is the first time I came to work without sunscreen. The sun feels good on raw skin. It's a public holiday here in Manila, but since I'll be on vacation starting Thursday and will be back next week, I have to go the 'extra' mile to make this thing happen.

I've been busy working on this presentation last Saturday and I'm determined to finish this today so my boss and I can work on the revisions tomorrow. I hope all my efforts would eventually pay off. That would be really great.

Grace was right when she told me to have a 'life' and worry less. There's more to life than tears on my pillow every night. B and I are okay, but there are still a lot of things that we have to sort out. I'm grateful of his presence in my life, and I could spend a lifetime thanking God for that.

I watched the MMK special last Saturday... it was a story about a young girl who harbored hate against her grandfather. It changed who she became later in life. She even said, "I was busy growing up, I forgot he was growing old." I remembered Daddy Groovy, my paternal grandfather. I would always hope that I'd get to visit him one time, but now that he has Alzheimer's, I think it's really imperative that I should visit him often even if that means traveling by plane then by land for at least 5 hours. I intend to visit him and my grandmother early next year and that's a must-do in my 2010 list.

When we're so busy with our own lives, living in our own worlds we forget who we really wanted to be when we were kids. I remember before, I just wanted to have a normal, a happy life. Then at 30, I'd get married, have kids, take care of my hubby, and just wait until my kids have their own kids. There'd be traveling in between, and spending time with friends, with family, with my folks, my siblings and their families. Five years before my target age, I am still living a life far from what I dreamed of.

Life is just passing right before my eyes. Like the flames of a torch, I miss the last flicker before I should still gape in awe. I should be enjoying the journey, not the details.

I should get back to work.

Silver Birthday Jitters

A lot of things happened lately. And those things are not FUNNY. If I were to choose between my burn trauma when I was a kid and this feeling, I'd choose the former. Really. Just when you thought that when you get something, it would make you really happy... You realize, no more than 24-hours later that you are still the same miserable bitch in the planet Florinda. 

This is the time of the year when I would remember Joie; and a time when I would always feel that my life has reached a terrible rut. Yeah, it's that time of the year when cakes are no longer amusing, and beers lose their magic. It's that time of the year when I just want 5 days to pass just looking at the waters, and wish that every time the wave reaches the shore, one of my wishes would come true.

Every single year, it becomes harder and harder. Sucks, eh?

Crazy Monday

After spending the entire weekend just sleeping, watching TV, eating then sleeping again, I fell ill and conditioned myself that if I don't get better on Monday morning, I'd take the week off.

Lo and behold, I woke up at 4:00 am only to find out I have not received a promised text message indicating the time he'd be coming in to work, I'm not sleepy, and I have a missed call from a very unfamiliar number at 2:00 am.

I log in my YM, get a ping from a random friend who was just staying right next to B's condo. Then he suggested that I buy beer and guzzle it up at his place. Goodness. Well of course I refused, and insisted that if he wants to meet up, it better be in a public place and that it would be easy for me to grab a taxi just in case I get freaking drunk (which never happened).

I dunno if there's some sort of curse but why do I have this feeling that a lot of these men would want to meet up at that favorite hang-out place? First it was the doctor who was the friend of a friend, now it's the random friend. Goodness. Can I at least have peace in that area for crying out loud?

I started on the wrong foot. The only thing that can make this right is a nice cup of taho.

Love More, Care Less

“Kung pwede lang sana I have five more days,five more years,five more lifetimes with him. I may have loved him longer but that doesn't mean I love him any less- Bea Alonzo as Lara in the movie 'And I Love You So'

I chuckled when I heard the line. It was far too cheesy for me.

When I heard it the second time around over dinner, I left my food, stormed my room and cried myself to sleep.

Sometimes we love so much, we care so much. Loving more doesn't equate to caring less, and caring sometimes can be so suffocating. It feels like you've built a high tower of Uno Stackos and your world goes crumbling down if the person you love decides to walk away. All it takes is a single piece and that single piece makes all the difference. 

But no matter how you look at it, life goes on. Your life goes on. And once you've hit rock bottom, the only way for you to go is UP, there's no other choice simply because there's nothing down. You've hit the limit and the only thing you can do is work your f*ck!n9 way up.

It's hard planning your entire life ahead, and orchestrating something that someone out there is not really interested in participating in. It's that one missing piece that leaves you, your ego, and yes, your freaking self-worth gone with the wind.

It's been a while since I took a break from those cheesy (yeah right) entries, but right now, I just felt like writing this entry just for the heck of it. After all, this is my blog, my life. When I'm too busy chasing my dreams, I hope not to forget the password (Yikes!). 

How about you? Did you care more and loved less, or did you love more and cared less?

I'm still chasing my dreams, chasing my happiness. In the end, it's me who can say if I was truly, and eventfully happy.

Cheers to family, a good life and friends...

Of love, friendships, triumphs, pains and sometimes pains in the ass... (LOL) - Ed, I won't tell anyone you told me about that razor... XOXO

17 more days before my silver year! Woot! 

What Do I Want to Do Next Year?

Someone really important to me asked me that question last Saturday. What do I want to do next year? In terms of work, well, I want to be able to accomplish more, to strategize more, and to see my brainchild projects see the light of day. I've thought about a lot of stuff, and apparently, those things have to go on paper (which reminds me that I have to start jotting down those notes... ).

In terms of my personal life, I want to be able to live on my own AGAIN. The last time I had my 'own' place was in 2006. I want to have the flexibility of being able to juggle graduate school (woot), going to the gym, work and my relationship with B for the next two years. The first three would prevent me from dealing with the 4th, but I'm sure, I'll find a way to figure this out simply because I believe, and I have faith, that B will always be supportive of my growth, no matter how big or small it may be. Thinking about getting married/moving in with someone (even B) still scares me. It's like sharing your entire life and you don't have a choice when to say "Let's have a break" when things go awful. It's like me sharing my ashtray, or half of my bed with someone who may end up hovering on me in the morning, or someone who may have the weirdest morning expression in the universe. It's like letting go of another pillow, simply because the one next to me wants to be hugged and cuddled.In many ways than one, I still think like a kid. The sharing of everything I can tolerate, but the sharing of the cabinet, or the bed, is still an 'issue' to me at this point.

In 19 days I'd be a year older, a year wiser (supposedly). Still, I have in me a 7 year old who just want shoes and bags, and fancy stuff like clips and pencils. I cannot imagine myself having mini-Bs or mini-me's running around the office lobby while waiting for me, or even mini-Bs tugging my dress and would want charm his way for me to carry him. Having a family, needless to say, raising a family sounds fun, but it comes with a lot of responsibility. I know B would be a very good father to our kids and I can't help but daydream at times how he'd look like if all three kids (he wants to have 3, how he would carry all is his problem anyway) would want their 'Dad' to carry them.

Maybe I'll have kids in two years as I planned it, maybe sooner (wink) or maybe a little later. Two years would be ideal as I would have finished my masterplan by then and would be ready to take on a wife/mother role for a family I can call my own.

It's really a blessing I could already talk about topics such as these, and I'm as equally blessed to have wonderful people around me.

I haven't really answered the question what do I want, but definitely it would be something better than what I already have at the moment. I pray that everything I worked hard for would eventually fall into place and that in His time, B and I would get our 'happily ever after' ending.

I'm off to bed now. Nighties!

Bagel Bliss

Living a life without him was fine. In fact, I have been okay my entire life without being aware of his existence. At some point in my life, I know I've seen him, and I am sure that was time when I didn't know what 'better self' means.

It's ironic we shared the same air, literally gone through the same roads every so often, or might have bumped into each other on a lonely Saturday. I was struggling with finding who I really am, and he was struggling with fixing some points of his life.

His name is something I vividly remember during my childhood, after seeing it from my uncle's favorite magazine.

By some stroke of luck (or destiny if you want to call it that), I knew about his existence. It was far too casual, I didn't even care who he was. Then came the unforgettable meeting, the unforgettable date. He was wearing his nice black rolled up long sleeves. I could smell his signature Bulgari scent in the air. We ate at a classy restaurant in Greenbelt, had a lot of chat, a few smokes and some laughs.

The feeling was something alien to me, something interesting. Then there was another date, then another, then another...

At times we'd eat at a posh restaurant, at times we'd eat at our fastfood favorites. Sometimes we'd gush over a P40 meal, or even splurge over a really nice dessert, or Starbucks pastries.

I can't imagine living my life getting intimated by the rough exterior of a bagel. B is pretty much the same~he's rough on the outside, ruggedly handsome and rough on the edges. But when you get to know the inner part of him, you'd discover that like a bagel that's sweet, smooth and delightful, B is the sweetest, most caring, and most loving person I've ever met.

I'm glad I got over my intimidation of the bagel's roughness, the same way I did with B. It was a truly exciting experience getting to the center of the bagel, the same way B truly makes me happy. And that was just what I was looking for~the right crisp, the right grain, the right texture that goes well with the jam, the butter and the cheese. It was not extravagant, it was very basic... and then a surprise sweet explosive taste. Bagel love and B love is bliss.